Finally, your dog can out you publicly.

The My Owner is Shrooming bandana is a technicolor field of fungi dripping straight out of a headshop poster. Neon caps, rainbow stalks, and a font that looks like it’s still melting down your screen. It’s not subtle, it’s not classy, but neither are you.

Perfect for dogs who:

• Bark at trees because they’re breathing

• Tilt their head like they just unlocked the hidden level of reality

• Guard the snacks with religious devotion

• Can teleport (but only when zooming through the house at 2 a.m.)

• Know the carpet has patterns… and try to chase them

This isn’t a bandana — it’s a walking confession. Tie it on your pup and let them broadcast the truth while you contemplate the cosmic joke that is existence.